well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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