i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
