The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
