Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
