I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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