Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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