Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
