i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
