You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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