I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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