Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
