bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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