Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
