Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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