I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
