She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
