Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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