FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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