he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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