If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
