I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
