I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
