I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
