Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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