I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
