I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
