I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
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She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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