Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm both gender and math confused
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