Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
