sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
