Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
