I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
