My first STD was from a foam party
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i came on her dog
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
