Swine flu. Run for my life!
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
