my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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