Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
COCAINE IS GR8
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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