not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
