im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
