Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
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Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
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Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We need to get me chipped asap