he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
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she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
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I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk