This is not my ceiling
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Dating After Heartbreak
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.