Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
