I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
