So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
