Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
