Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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