Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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