ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
a search helicopter?!
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
