my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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