I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
