i just sent this text using only my big toe
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
