the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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