I feel great
I just peed on a car
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
