did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂