1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow