i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
