I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
