we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
