I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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