I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
