I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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