if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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