Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
